Prick cop, Patrick Pogan, leaves court followed by himself to begin his life of misery being him. Photo courtesy Hermann for News
What began as another day of routine constitutional thuggery and inhumane treatment ended as a nightmare for prick NYPD cop, Patrick Pogan. Pogan, observed in this video from You Tube serving and protecting cyclist, Christopher Long.
With the help of a judical brain-in-a-vat, the Dishonorable Maxwell Wiley, and 12 monkeys dressed in juror costumes, Pogan escaped a potential 4 years of forced sodomy in a New York prison.
Pogan sighed and fondled himself when Wiley told him that there will be no punishment – not even community service - for the attack on Long which Wiley referred to as “An act of heroism”.
Wiley was swayed by some 180 letters to Penthouse Sado-Masochistic Forum who all agreed that watching Pogan bash Long was better than driving a 10 penny nail into their penises or breasts, especially since the cost of nails has skyrocketed due to prohibitive tariffs on Chinese nails, causing the 10 penny nail to fair much worse against the Chinese 35,000 yen nail. But we digress.
The 24 year-old Pogan, was on his 11th day on the job, which his defense team used to paint him as a “clueless rookie”. Further evidence of Pogan’s immaturity was offered to the court by way of Pogan’s department issued Underoos, which bore both urine and fecal stains from underdeveloped control of his bodily functions. “He’s just a big kid with a big heart, a gun, and good intentions.”, claimed his lawyer. “Sure, kids mean well, but are often misguided. Any parent would feel anger if their little Timmy put the cat in a microwave, but it’s things like that we all look back upon and laugh because we love them so. I honestly believe prick…er…Patrick will go on to live the rest of his life serving mankind and won’t maim or kill very many people in the process.”
Pogan made a point to express gratitude for support he received from the police union, his lawyer, and Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness.
Pogan appeared to become emotional before sentencing when he addressed Wiley with, “I have spent my entire adult life trying to help people as a volunteer, a coach, and as an NYS EMT. I would ask you to spare me from jail time, because I feel that I have a lot of people in this world that I can still help.” There was a brief recess at this point as the court had to be cleared so sanitation workers could clean the copious vomit deposited on floors and benches from onlookers who witnessed the dissembling platitude.
Pogan was cleared of assault by a jury of 12 monkeys back in April, but they did convict him of falsifying the criminal complaint against Long, for which they later expressed regret. “We express regret for having convicted Patrick Pogan of falsifying a criminal complaint and pray that the unexplained deaths which have stalked we jurors since that terrible verdict will soon cease.”, one unnamed juror said while recovering at an undisclosed location after having suffered what he said was an accident when he received gunshot woulds to both knees and fell down a steep cliff while bound and gagged in duct tape.
Retired NYPD detective, and paterfamilias to prick Pogan, prick Patrick Pogan, Sr., (try saying that fast 3 times) said his son did what he had to do that night. “To the untrained eye, it appeared Long was merely riding a bicycle, but to trained law enforcement, that bike represents a deadly weapon since it could, if stripped, melted down, shipped to a manufacturing facility where it then is forged into a hammer, sold in a store, purchased by a criminal, used to break into a gun shop by smashing the glass, defeating the alarm system, and then taking a gun and using it against that officer, become “deadly”, said the psychotic and maniacal progenitor of prick Patrick. “He can start his life again,” he added, then blasted the $65,000 settlement Long collected from the city “to further his pot-smoking career.”
Long, 31, who admitted on the stand he smokes marijuana daily, could not be reached, but Bill DiPaola, director of another pro-biking group called Time’s Up! was stunned by news of the sentence.
“We think it’s an incredibly light sentence,” he said, expressing hope that the taped clash would lead “to a more friendly relationship in the future between the NYPD and the growing cycling community.”
NYPD Police responded exuberantly to the news and avowed a fresh approach to the citizenry of New York and, in a gesture of solidarity and establishment of the authoritarian pecking-order proceeded to urinate on people with reckless abandon.
Mayor Bloomberg looked out upon the pee-soaked ankles of New Yorkers and said, “‘Tis a good day for American justice.”